As Purim approaches, I have come to a major life decision. I have formed an exploratory committee, which consists of Peanut, my cat, and at least of three kids in The Olga and Bob Strauss Center for Early Childhood Education. As per their recommendation, aside from Timmy’s request for more grape juice, I am proud to finally make that big announcement you have all been waiting for. I am declaring my candidacy for the Presidency of these United States.
But Rabbi, you do not have any experience in public office.
“Pshaw,” I say. I have been running Temple Emanu-El for over two whole months, what other experience could I possibly need? I’ve got both Moxie and Chutzpah, my goldfish. Besides you have not even heard my platforms yet.
As your Rabbi … err … President, I promise to work very hard for you 24/7, twenty-four minutes / seven hours a week. I plan to institute a pie-throwing contest to eliminate our national debt. Any team from the University of Texas will be declared unilateral National Champions. Yiddush will be the mandatory language for all technical service operators, which will make them infinitely more understandable than they are now. I will not rest until I see the absolute elimination of low-flow toilets; pardon the pun. And you will all be invited to the Seder at the White House. Though I think we will make my Vice President hunt for the afikoman, which ya’ll all welcome to come hide anywhere in the Oval Office.
Besides that I also have tremendous foreign experience. I have personally tasted Chinese, Japanese, Ethiopian, French, Italian, Moroccan, Transylvanian, Cajun, Texan, Israeli, and Greek food, all in one sitting. Though I must admit that I did not feel too well afterward. I have also traveled extensively. I even left the State of Texas once, before moving to Arizona, but that is a whole other story.
So as you see, I am the perfect candidate, aside from being underage, grossly under qualified and completely inexperienced, but other than that, how hard could it possibly be? So with your permission, blessing, and economic support I ask, dare I say beg, you to please vote for me as the next President of your United States. Besides I have already been elected King of Shushan by unanimous decision. Ok so I am directing the Purim Spiel and gave the part to myself, but it is still going to go on my resume!
And when I win, we can all unite together and say with pride those words so famously uttered by JFK, “Ask not for whom your country can kvell, but for whom it can shed some nakhes.”
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