Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Purim 5767

For those of you who recall, last year around Purim, I announced my candidacy for President of the United States of America. I would like to note that because of my growing popularity, a large number of candidates have also declared their intention to run. So what makes me different from them you might be asking? While standing in a stupor in the breakfast cereal isle of our local grocery store, the answer came to me in a sugar rush.
First of all, I still think we should institute corporal punishment for whoever legalized low-flow toilets. But I would like to extend this to whoever also forced upon us low-flow showerheads. I still plan to declare any team from the University of Texas will be declared unilateral National Champions, though on the advice of my “Nebraska” council, I will graciously allow the University of Nebraska’s water-polo team to be declared co-champion every fourth year.
As your president, I will also work for a national license plate system, so that everyone’s cell-phone number will be exactly what is on his or her license plate. That way when they cut you off, you will be able to kindly call them with your hands free set to let them know, gently, your opinion of their driving. I will also make it mandatory for all movie theaters to place thing-a-ma-gigs and gizmos to block all cell-phone reception within two miles of a good movie with quiet dialogue. I will also work to expand the “no-call” list to also include the calling of wrong numbers as well.
Of course I should also state once and for all, my position on the most pressing issue facing this nation, the use of congressional jets by high level congressmen and women. For the record, I believe everyone in Congress, who does not support me, should have to fly low-cost carriers with at least three layovers before their final destination.
With these positions and growing buzz, though I think this might be because of a bee in my bonnet, I cannot possibly lose. And when I win, I promise to work for you, as hard as possible, at least during my daughter’s naps.
So at the 2009 inauguration in January, we as a people will all be able to unite together and say with pride those words so famously uttered by Charles DeGaulle, “How can you govern a country with 246 varieties of breakfast cereal?”
Happy Purim!