As many of who have been following my presidential campaign bid know, my poll numbers have been somewhat lagging as of late, though I still did better than Rudy Giuliani in Florida. Because of this, I am proud to announce a change in my campaign strategy. I am now officially the status-quo candidate. Forget change. Forget new directions. I want business as usual.
Give me lobbyists run amuck. Give me low flow toilets. Give me bridges to nowhere. Heck, even give me pork … barrel spending that is, not the other kind. With this platform, I am sure to win. With everyone else for Change, my name will be memorable, at least according to my campaign manager Peanut the cat.
With that in mind, as I do each year right before Purim, here is a new list of my campaign promises to you.
First of all I promise to make the express lanes at grocery stores mandatory under the penalty of death. Ten items or less, means ten items or less. What is so hard about that concept to grasp?
As your president, I will also end this diet, carb, no-carb, low-carb, exercise, no exercise, fish, no fish, count calories, don’t count calories, transfats, trans-solids, Trans Am, debate once and for all. I will have the newly formed Department of Frozen Pizza declare all foods that are fatty, deep-fried, salty, and tasty as completely and utterly healthy in all forms at all times. Fruits and vegetables will be outlawed, except when they can be produced through the aforementioned process. For further information see the Supreme Court’s recent ruling: latkes v. my waistline.
And last but certainly not least, I plan to declare illegal all ‘reality’ television shows. Some may say this is in direct contradiction to the First Amendment. To them I say, “Well la-de-dah,” or is it “doo-wah-diddy?” With the writer’s strike over, we are guaranteed to have fresh original dramas that are never recycled police procedures, courtroom dramas, or medical emergency shows. We will also have sit-coms that are always side-splittingly funny. So who needs yet another show of people competing against one another for America’s love, like siblings wrestling for a pat on the back from a neglectful parent? Speaking of which, I think I’ve got an idea for a new reality show. Can someone get Fox on the line?
So a vote for me means a vote not for someone else. And with your support we will absolutely not change anything, ever. Well except maybe our socks, because otherwise that could be kind of gross.
Chag Purim Sameach