Sadly I learned on January 18, 2009 that I had not won the candidacy for the President of the United States. It would have been really nice if someone would have at least sent me a note, an email, or even posted it on facebook. I really did look foolish all decked out with my American flag suit all ready to be sworn in, with no one but my cat and Emily in attendance. Even my wife said she had better things to do, which isn’t all that uncommon a response to my adventures now that I think about it. The best I can do now is become Secretary of the Department of Kosher Animals and Gefilte Fish. Oh well.
I would like to thank all of my supporters for their hard work, time, and dedication to my campaign. They have stood by me since I announced that I was running for President three Purims ago. In honor of their efforts, I will now present to you, the voting public, my inaugural address.
My fellow Americans, I have come to this high position through a wave of popular support. It was you who stood with me in my stance against low-flow toilets, reality shows, and health food. It was you who joined in the chorus of saying, we have had enough and we are not going to take it anymore… then we took it. But that is another story.
It was you who said no longer will we tolerate people coming into Subway restaurants with a list for forty orders. Come on, how many sandwiches can the average American eat? One should only be allowed to order the amount of food for people present, unless of course, I am picking up lunch for the office or for Congress. They are a hungry bunch, not the office, but Congress.
Let us join together and bring about a better tomorrow by ending the years of bipartisanship. Hand-in-hand we Democrats, Republicans, Whigs, Tories, No-nothings, do-nothings, see-nothings, and hear-nothings can make this country great again. Let’s end the bickering once and for all. But if not would you at least let me know what you would like on your sandwich?
At least there is always 2012. Chag Purim Sameach.
Parashat Mishpatim: Radical Empathy
2 weeks ago