As my tenure here as associate rabbi is rapidly coming to a close, I find myself spending quite a bit of time reflecting over my past accomplishments. However there is one area I continue to dwell on, namely my failed bid to become President of these United States.
I am sure it was not because of my plan to move Washington D.C. to Cancun during the winter months. Nor must it have been my proposal that all college bowl games once again be played only on New Year’s Day. Instead I blame my campaign manager, Peanut the cat, who I just discovered hijacked most of my campaign funds for the purchase of large quantities of meow mix. Who knew advertising jingles could be so effective on cats? This news sent me into a spiral of self-pity where I found myself addicted to tummy-rubs and head scratches. Oh wait, that was the cat.
Needless to say, I am now in the process of writing my memoirs on this experience. I have discovered in my notes several other proposals I should have put forth, which I am sure would have catapulted me to victory. Here they are in no particular order:
I propose all airline CEO’s be required to fly coach 300 days a year. Maybe then, they would finally understand.
I propose that if you are on hold longer than thirty seconds, the company be required to play great music like the Beatles, Stones, U2 or Alvin and the Chipmunks. And while on hold, they stop saying, “you’re business is important to us,” because clearly it isn’t. Otherwise, why would we still be on hold?
I propose your license plate number also be your cell-phone number because the light is green already!
And lastly I propose outlawing the following phrase under the penalty of having to watch American Idol reruns over and over again. That phrase is, “you know.” No I don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t be asking. Please stop assuming I know. Sheesh.
With an agenda like this, I proud to announce I am changing the focus of my campaign. As I will be just outside the D.C. area, during the summer months when it’s not in Cancun, I am hoping to become a player in the current administration. If you are ever in the area, feel free to stop by. Just don’t fly coach; otherwise you might end up sitting next to an airline executive. But be sure to give me a shout, and I will gladly wish you a Chag Purim Sameach, you know!
A Message to the IfNotNow Folk
1 day ago