As some of you might be aware, aside from my duties as your Rabbi, I have also spent countless minutes campaigning in the past to become President of the United States. No, I don’t mean Vice President, because I actually like working. However, given my recent shellacking in the 2008 Presidential election, and by shellacking I mean the actual affixing of lacquer to my campaign manager, I have worked furiously to redefine my candidacy for 2012.
To this end I have even secured the rights to a new campaign manager since his probation is about to end. In the meantime I have come up with some new themes, beta tested them, and I am proud to announce my vision for President of the United States 2.0.
First off, as your president I pledge to end this controversy over compact fluorescents once and for all. From now on, the only lights allowed in homes and offices must come from the burning of candles. And no I am not mandating this in part because of the because of the contributions provided to me by the wax industry. I am doing it solely because of the contributions from the wax industry.
Also with all of the debates of laptops vs. netbooks vs. tablets, I have created a new technological device to supplant them all. It is called a Budget Optical Organized Knowledge device or B.O.O.K for short. It is unique in that it is highly portable, has nominal power requirements, and can be used in linear or pictorial format. I will suggest to the Secretary of Commerce that we get started on selling these devices immediately. We’ll make millions.
Also given the level of vitriol in recent campaigns, I pledge to you to that I will up the ante. I promise to slander, slam, smirch, smite, and spoof my opponents. But only in alliterative fashion. Thus demonstrating once and for all, I have a thesaurus and I can use it!
Chag Purim Sameach Everyone! And I'll see you at the voting booth in 2012. Just don't shake my new campaign manager's hand. I have a feeling he will still be kind of sticky from all that shellac.
A Message to the IfNotNow Folk
1 day ago