Thursday, March 15, 2012

Purim 5772

I know I am bit late on this one, but here is my annual Purim Blog Post:

I know many have been following my campaign for President of the United States of Maryland ever since I announced I was running for the position while appearing on the acclaimed Comedy Central show “The Colbert Report.” What I mean the phrase ‘by appearing on’ actually refers to the fact that The Colbert Report was on my television and I stood next to my television while the aforementioned show was appearing, ergo, I appeared to appear on The Colbert Report.

Inspired by my colleague Stephen Colbert, who ran for the same position in the great state of South Carolina (motto: when in doubt, secede), I have decided to ramp up my campaign for president. This was not an easy decision given the tremendous burden it will play on my family, namely the burden of trying really hard not to laugh at me opening during every moment of my campaign; I nonetheless have thrown my 10 gallon kipa into the ring.

But rabbi, you have not appeared in any of the debates, we must know, where do you stand on the core issues facing our country? Great question, thank you for asking.

To clarify a few of my positions, contrary to those accused of waffling, I personally have strong positions on every core issue. I just have to confer with my crack team of advisors and pollsters to tell me where exactly I stand. But don’t worry, as soon as they tell me, I’ll let you know.

However there are some issues so vital, so important, that I nonetheless feel compelled to state my unequivocal position on them. To begin with: I believe strongly that life begins when the children move out.

In terms of immigration, given the staggering rate at which our national debt is increasing, I propose we all immigrate to Tahiti. And then we leave a forwarding address for all of our mail to Canada (motto: come join us, were just like America, only colder).

But I shouldn’t just stand on my stances alone. As standing on ones stances is illegal in at least twelve states. Therefore they tell me I should also stand on my record. For you kids out there, a record was a device used for recording sound and playing it back on something called a record player. Think mp3 only bigger and really hard to take jogging.

My greatest personal accomplishment this year was to ensure that my beloved Astros move to the American League in 2013. With this move, we will all gather together to enjoy AAA Baseball at it’s finest when the Astros play the Orioles.

While we await with baited breath this classic showdown sure to go down in the record books for all the wrong reasons, please don’t forget to vote for me, your future president of the United States of Maryland! Chag Purim Sameach Everyone!