I am sad to say that once again my bid for the Presidency of the United States of Maryland has gone down in bitter defeat. I don’t know what I did wrong. This time I thought for sure that I had it in the bag. I was so determined to have it in the bag that I acquired as many non-disposable bags from Har Sinai Congregation as humanly possible. I had more bags than any of the other candidates for crying out loud!
Just imagine these candidates trying to carry their own groceries. See you can’t. And it has nothing to do with the fact that no president has ever had to carry their own groceries. Well perhaps except for Taft, but that is probably because no one else could lift them.
But I digress. To console myself I felt the need to escape to a Communist country and drown out my sorrows in rum and cigars just like Captain Jack Sparrow. Who by the way, aside from being a fixture now in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disney, is now going to be my new campaign manager.
I mention this because today I am proud to announce my candidacy for 2016. Heck, if the Today show can debate possible candidates even before the President is inaugurated, why can’t I? But of course I am going to have to change my strategy and my platforms if I am to win more than the State of Denial.
I sought out inspiration in our 16th President, who I discovered to my delight, was also a star in Steven Spielberg’s Academy Award nominated movie “Lincoln”. Previously I just thought Abraham Lincoln was only good at killing vampires.
While watching “Lincoln” I realized there was a singular characteristic that defined Abraham Lincoln in his pursuit of the 13th Amendment. Though I admit going in, I thought the 13th Amendment was the one that allowed girls to become Bat Mitzvah, so I was a little surprised when I discovered it was about something else entirely.
Lincoln demonstrated a dogged determination and a willingness to work with anyone in Congress, and he succeeded in this endeavor. But why was he able to do this when so many others have failed? I racked my brain until I came to the startling conclusion that the sole reason for his success was … his hat.
So from now on, I am stating here first that during all campaign speeches, rallies, brunches, afternoon teas, pep talks, and belching contests, I will from now on, wear a stove pipe hat.
This is a can’t lose proposition. It is also probably a can’t win proposition, but that is another story. Personally I think I would look great in such a hat. Now all I need to do is find a rockin’ haberdashery to suit my needs. And to borrow a phrase from a competitor, Dave Barry, Rockin’ Haberdashery is also a great name for a band.
So along with this new look, I’ll be doling out my new policies in the years to come. I’m sure you can’t wait to hear about my plans. However, I don’t want to give too much away, as my team is furiously planning my strategy. And by planning I mean drinking lots of rum and smoking cigars while listening to Rockin’ Haberdashery in Cuba.
But in the meantime, can any of you use any non-disposable bags? I’ve got tons of them. Chag Purim Sameach Everyone!