Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Purim 5774 or Purim 6774, either way, it's totally worth it!

Every four years something wondrous happens.  Something so amazing, that people talk about it using glowing effusive language filled with awe and exuberance.  It is a sight to behold.  No, I’m not talking about the Olympics or the national election, or the leap year, or the World Cup, which I presume has something to do with a new Coke campaign, but instead I am speaking about my announcement, dare I say, my proclamation, that I am running for President for the United States of America of Maryland!

“Peshaw!” you might say.  “You rabbi have made this announcement every year.”  To which I say using the classic political response, “I don’t recall.” 

See I have finally figured out the secret to a successful campaign.  In the past I made the mistake of participating in the current campaign for president.  Only recently have I realized that it is a deeply flawed approach.  See the media has already declared the candidates and the winners and losers of the 2016 elections.  As I recall, they made this statement immediately following the results of the 2012 campaign which was accurately predicted in 1896. 

So I realized the only way to get ahead of this is literally to get ahead of it.  With this in mind, I am pleased to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America of Maryland in 2040.  And because the election is so far in the future, I can make electoral promises based on technologies that I guarantee will exist, or your money back.

For example, do any of you remember the cellphone battles when it seemed like the phones were getting smaller and smaller to the point that we would have to have them implanted into our palms, otherwise a sneeze would cause them to disappear into the ether forever?  Well neither do I, because now they are getting exponentially bigger all the time.  I promise you that each American will have access of a cellphone the size of a semi that follows them around everywhere they go.  Of course waiting in line at the movies will be a pain, but it will be totally worth it.

The Walt Disney Company has just announced their latest ticket fees which are now $99.00 for a single person ticket.  It doesn’t take much imagination to see what this will look like in the future.  So as part of my promise to you, I will enact legislation to enable you to mortgage not only your home, but also your neighbor’s home so you can afford to buy a 30 minute pass to the ‘Happiest Place on Earth’ in 2040.  Trust me; it will be totally worth it.  But if you are unsatisfied, Disney will still happily pay you to go to Euro-Disney.

Forget self-driving cars, or flying cars, or The Cars, and instead, by 2040, we will have transporters as we were promised in that famous documentary about the future: Star Trek.  Of course, there might be a tendency to abuse such technology or we all might accidentally turn all of our flies into Jeff Goldbloom, but in the end, it will be totally worth it.

Speaking of which, when 2040 rolls around, don’t forget to vote for me or for my new campaign slogan, Vote for Rabbi, He’s Totally worth it!

In the meantime, Chag Purim Sameach everyone! 

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