Having failed now at multiple attempts to win the nomination to be the next President of the United States of Maryland, I have decided to forgo putting together an exploratory committee to pursue any further attempt at creating a winning campaign in lieu of forming a group to investigate the preponderance of run-on sentences in numerous rabbinic publications.
Following that, I plan to look into the issue of why so many vowels have fled Eastern Europe from places like Ljubljana, Slovenia and Dubrovnik, Croatia to settle in Hawaii. It may be an extensive and costly trip, but I assure you, I will get to the bottom of it, especially if it requires immersive interviews in Kauai.
My itinerary is already set, and I have booked my tickets. Nothing you say can change my mind. I have already heard all of the arguments. I know my campaign promises of giant cellphones and free mortgages for tickets to Walt Disney World have struck a chord. Though that chord was most likely an Am chord, which is owned by us Jews, as opposed to G, which is a wholly owned chordal subsidiary of the aforementioned Walt Disney World Corporation.
I know my immigration policy of everyone in the Northeast moving to Tahiti has played well, well in the Northeast, especially this winter. And my continued battle against low-flow toilets has become one of legend and even immortalized in song in my famous duet entitled, “Flush” with Taylor Swift. It’s in the key of Am, in case you are wondering, and we are on the short-list to perform at next year’s Super Bowl. Which if it is made a regular-flow bowl that would be super indeed!
Yes, I do know that the field is wide open, which is why so many people will be shocked by this announcement. So many of you have expressed surprise that I was ever running, but that is neither here nor there. I will have you know that my core supporters have been encouraging me and even demanding that I reconsider, but I refuse to flip-flop on the issue of my candidacy. And to show how serious I am, I have even refuse to wear flip-flops, lest I send out a mixed message.
Today’s tough times demand a candidate who is thoughtful, reasonable, and a visionary with the oratory skills necessary to convey the message in a succinct, articulate, and relatable fashion. It should also be someone who can work on both sides of the aisle, while staying true to their core passions. Since no such person exists, I have decided to reconsider my candidacy to be the next President of the United States of Maryland.
I promise you, the voters, that my campaign will be honest and full of integrity. And barring that, it will be full of something. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be on the beach of Kauai wearing some flip-flops and interviewing the letter “A” as to why it fled from Koycegiz, Turkey. And I will return with findings because you demand nothing less. It just might take me awhile. So don’t wait up.
In the meantime, plan on joining us on Sunday March 8th for our annual Purimspiel and Purim Carnival. My promise to you is that no campaign speeches will be made from Koycegiz on that day partly because I have no idea how to pronounce it. Chag Purim Sameach, and Happy Purim Everyone!